


hopeless

by sugahina



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety Hinata Shoyo, Depressed Hinata Shouyou, Depressed!Hinata Shoyo, MIGHT BE TRIGGERING, Sad!Hinata Shouyou, Sad!Hinata Shoyo, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 03:09:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10208126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugahina/pseuds/sugahina
Summary: He thought he was doing better(UPDATED)TRIGGER WARNING





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So this is a vent fic, I hope I didn't glamorize anxiety and depression, and I am not saying this is how it is for everyone.  
> Hope you enjoyed! Please leave feedback!

The feeling of worthless washes over Hinata as he lays on his bed. The bedroom lights are off, which leaves him in darkness, alone. His depression made everything a challenge. Whilst he loved challenges, this just seemed to be one he couldn't tackle. Emptiness mixed with hopelessness filled up everything; his hunger, energy, and thoughts. 

He's been thinking  _ "I thought I was doing better" _ more often lately. He thought that he might be able to lower his dosage on his medicine, he thought he could do therapy once every two weeks, he thought he would stay self harm clean for another six months.

He thought.

Thinking isn't something he should be doing, thinking leads to anxiety, anxiety leads to panic attacks, which lead to major depressive episodes that only his mother knew about. During these times he shuts down completely, they can last up to a few hours, days, or weeks. When the longer episodes occur Hinata dozes off, which is why most of his teammates consider him an airhead. His passing gets even worse, if that's possible.

_ “What would the team think?” _ he asked himself, Hinata can’t say he has a cat due to his allergies. 

_ What if they saw? _

_ Would they send him back to the hospital? _

The Karasuno team doesn't notice anything. Which is kind of what HInata wanted. He didn’t want them to worry, a part of him believed they didn’t care at all. He wasn’t even that close with them, or so he thought. Hinata believed that he was probably the closest to Kageyama on the team, if that was the case, then what how “close” was he with the rest?.

 Kuroo and Kenma notice during a training camp. 

"Hasn't Hinata, been a bit...off lately? He's lacking his usual brightening aura?" Kuroo slyly asked his childhood best friend, Kenma. Kenma scrunched up his nose thinking more about what Kuroo said.

Kenma replied with a hint of concern in his voice for Karasuno's number 10, "He has...Shoyo also hasn't replied to my text as quickly like usual for a while. He kind of shuts down for a few days, but it's been ongoing for a while. I wonder how he’s been doing. He also hasn’t skyped me in a while, I kind a feel like he’s pushing me away.

Nishinoya in the distance heard and put all the pieces to the puzzle together. Hinata  _ has  _ been become more distance from the team in the past month, he also seemed paler than usual and skinner...When was the last time Nishinoya saw Hinata eat a proper meal?

Hinata lacked races with Kageyama, and hasn't put in his everything for volleyball anymore. Hinata's eyes looked dead, and bags surrounded them as if he hasn't slept in weeks.The small scratch like marks on his arms that he said was from his cat was lie, because Hinata is allergic to cats, he doesn't have a cat. For a while Nishinoya stayed in place due to shock, how has he not noticed sooner?

What kind of Senpai is he?

Shoyo has been covering this up for a while, how has he not noticed the fake smiles? The overly long bathroom breaks? His changing in the stalls? Being the first one to leave practice instead of the very last? Though, he didn't want to jump to conclusions. He hoped he wasn’t jumping to conclusions.  Maybe he just has a social life outside of volleyball, maybe he's matured out of those silly races he and Kageyama had, maybe he just had a bad nights sleep,  _ maybe _ he has a hairless cat.

Maybe…. _ Hopefully _ .  Just to be safe Nishinoya told Daichi and Sugawara. 

. . .

This episode has been going on for about two months. Hinata stopped taking his medicine about two weeks into "his episode". He didn't see a point in taking it if it wasn't going to be helping him. He also didn’t like the idea of a pill to rely on his happiness. Now due to the fact Hinata suddenly went off one hundred grams of Zoloft in an unsafe way, his symptoms became worse. He constantly felt drained, like all happiness and color was sucked out of him.He felt a dark cloud of sadness constantly surrounding him.  Anxiety became a bigger issue, which soon started affecting his game play.

_ "What if they're laughing at my height?" _

_ "What if I hit Kageyama in the back of the head again?" _

_ "What if I miss this quick and we lose the game?" _

_ "This is a practice match but what if it determines whether or not I'm a regular anymore." _

_ What if. What if. What if.  _

The depressive thoughts also lingered around as well, which contradicted everything and anything everyone said to him. Nishinoya would say "Hey Hinata! It's okay! Don't mind!"

_ He is just saying that out of pity. _

Daichi would say, "Next one for sure!"

_ He doesn't deserve a next one. _

Sugawara would sneakily hug him from behind and tell him it's alright, it was just a small mistake. Yet Hinata would also think  _ "yes, but that mistake happened because of me. Therefore I’m a mistake.” _

. . .

The team started to grow even more worried when Hinata started wearing longer sleeves during practice. 

“Hinata, maybe you should take it off? You’ll pass out.” Emnosita would recommend.

“Nah! I’m good! I’m actually a bit cold!” Hinata said while flashing an obviously fake smile.  Tsukishima even started growing even more worried when Hinata stopped calling him names back and saw that Hinata actually took his snarky comments to heart. 

“Isn’t being constantly cold a sign of anorexia?” Tsukishima whispered to Yamaguchi.

Maybe they’re over thinking.

Kageyama started to grow even more worried when he notice Hinata stopped coming to practice all together.

Maybe he’s just sick.

Kenma started to even more worried then about Shoyo when he would get one worded replies from Hinata, and  _ Kenma _ was the trying to keep the conversation going.

. . .

Suicidal thoughts became so frequent it didn't scare him anymore. He felt welcomed. He didn't stop himself when he felt the blade of his razor reach his wrist.

“What’s the point? I can’t do anything right. No one cares. No one will care.” He thought as he fell.

_ No one will care. _

Karasuno’s volleyball team, and Kenma, were all shocked when they heard that Hinata was in the hospital after an attempted suicide. Everyone’s blood went cold, and they swear their hearts stopped. 

They should’ve asked him how he was.

They should’ve let him know they can talk to him.

_ Kenma: i know i’m not v affectionate but ilysm, you mean so much to me and i would die if anything happened to you. _

_ Kageyama: IdoiT! What were u thinking!!! Call me asap dumbass. _

_ Kageyama: You’re like my other half. What would I do without you? _

Even though Kenma and Kageyama were the first to send out their condolences , Nishinoya was the first one to visit him. He told him how much he meant not only to him, but to the team. Hinata wasn’t just their decoy but their best friend, everyone saw Hinata as a younger brother who they needed to protect. Tsukishima, shockingly, was the second person to visit, along with Yamaguchi. The first thing Tsukishima did when he walked in was smacking him behind Hinata’s head then saying,”Dumbass! What do you think you’re doing? Who’s going to be the ace next? We need you! You’re the only who makes practice durable and fun, don’t tell anyone I said that.” 

Tsukishima doesn’t care about Hinata at all, but he also cares for Hinata a lot.

After about a month in the mental health hospital, Hinata was released. Things were different after words for him. 

No, he wasn’t cured and depressed free, which would’ve been amazing, but he had hope.

Hope and motivation, which is keeping him going, though he didn’t get it just by therapy. Shoyo realized that he actually had someone’s shoulder to lean on, even if he just wanted to cry or be held. His mother locked up all knives and sharp objects until further notice, along with medications. The Karasuno Volleyball Club had been having regular check ins with Hinata every two days. Kuroo got his number, from Kenma, and reminds him everyday that he has people who care for him, which most people would find annoying, but Hinata enjoys.

He starts taking his medicine again.

He goes back to once a week therapy.

He starts eating again, even though it took time.

Whenever he felt low, he would tell himself something he’s looking forward too, such as nationals, being a third year. Etc.

Hinata Shoyo starts to shine again, it takes a while, but he and everyone else is willing to wait.


End file.
